Happy Endings
by simptasia
Summary: Sequel to Truth or Dare. You might have to read that one first to get certain plot points. The boys have a sleepover. Cartman bugs Stan and Kyle all night and is generally a pyschotic little bastard.


Top of Form

Once again Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters and Tweek were sitting around Stan's room, this time for a sleepover all their parents had arranged so they could all go to some party at Token's house. Not that the boys minded hanging out together, it's just that sleepovers are a bit childish and Shelly was staying home.

Stan's parents hadn't left yet, Sharon wanted to make sure all the boys had what they needed before they left and Randy was impatiently waiting in the car.

"Boys, you got everything you need to stay the night?" she asked.

"Don't worry, Mrs. Marsh, I checked my sleepover bag before I left. No need to take me home." Butters replied kindly. The truth is if they never took Butters home he'd be glad, his parents were being extra sore with him lately.

"Let's see here… clothes… Clyde Frog… snacks…. Matches…"  
"Matches? Eric we don't want a repeat of the last time you were here!"  
"Slip of the tongue."

"Hmm. Tweek, you have your pills?"  
"Yes! Ma'am! GAH!"  
"Okay, Kyle try and keep control of Cartman-"  
"Yeah, right."  
"- and all of you get downstairs and have a bath."  
All the boys looked at each other with shocked expressions.  
"Together?" Tweek asked.  
"No! One at a time."  
"Hehe. I'm sure Stan and Kyle wouldn't mind bathing together!"  
"Shut up fatass!"  
"I'M NOT FAT!"  
"What was that supposed to mean?"  
"Nothing, Mom. Just Cartman being stupid. We'll all take baths, don't worry. I can hear Dad honking the horn." Stan said pushing his mother out of the room rather nervously.

As soon as he heard the car drive away Stan grabbed Cartman by the collar.  
"Damn it, Cartman!"  
"Don't you think your Mom should know her little boy is a Fudge-Packer? And come to think of it, YOUR Mom should know too, Kahl."  
"Don't you fucking dare, Nazi!"  
Kenny finally looking away from his porno disguised as a comic; stood up and pulled Stan's hands away from Cartman's shirt.  
"Guys, calm down! Just stop fighting, okay? Gawd, listen to me, I'm the new Stan." Muffled Kenny.  
"Yeah!" Butters cheered, "Let's go and have our baths."  
The rest of boys sighed and murmured as Butters ran down the stairs to the bathroom.  
"C'mon, let's go."  
"Why do we have to takes baths anyway?" complained Cartman.  
"Cuz we don't have a shower."

The boys all queued next to the bathroom door waiting for Butters to get out.  
As soon as they heard Butters starting to sing they knew they'd be there a while.  
"Everyone knows it's Butters! That's me!"  
5 minutes passed.

"Jesus Christ! BUTTERS GET OUT OF NAH!" Cartman shouted banging on the door.  
Stan pressed his ear against the door to hear what was going on. He could hear Butters doing voices for the rubber duckys.  
"Oh dear God, he's playing with the rubber duckys."  
"Okay, fellas I'm done! Hey... Where are the towels?"  
"PILED NEXT TO THE TOLIET!" Stan and Kyle screamed.  
Butters then opened the door and scampered upstairs with a towel draped on his head.  
Tweek was about to follow him until Cartman grabbed his collar.  
"No way gaybo, you gotta have a bath too. After me."

Kyle was already in before Cartman.  
"Heeey! It was mah turn!"  
"Too slow!" Kyle said laughing as he shut the door and ran his bath.  
"Jew man-bitch."  
Stan nudged his shoulder. "Shut up."  
A few seconds of silence passed.

"Kahl should have gone last, he'll be in there ages washing his stupid daywalker jewfro." Cartman said raising his voice towards the end of the sentence.  
"You shut up." Kyle murmured, soaping his hair with slight difficultly.  
"Ooo, Kahl, maybe your BOYFRIEND Stan can join you in there and help you with those curls!"  
Stan hit Cartman's shoulder again. "We're not boyfriends."  
"Stan, I saw you say you loved Kahl and Tweek told me you two kissed after i passed out from your gayness."  
"GAH! Don't bring ME into this!"  
"Pfft... passed out from the gayness… I knocked you out!"  
"Nobody knocks me out!"  
"Whatever, Cartman."  
Kyle was still washing his hair ignoring the whole conversation. "Stupid, Tweek."  
Cartman put his ear to the door. "Having problems, Kahl? Meh, probably beating off thinking of his boyfriend Stan making him his bitch."  
"I heard that!" Kyle yelled throwing a washcloth at the door.  
"That cuz you have big ears!"  
"Lame…"  
"Hey, you guys used to bath together. That's probably what caused it."  
"We were five! Jeez, you sound like you wanna watch us or something!"  
"What would I being watching, Stan?" Cartman retorted, pointing back and forth between the door and Stan.  
"SHUT UP FATASS!" Kyle yelled again.  
"You done yet?"  
"Yeah..."  
Kyle emptied out the bath and put a towel around his waist.  
"Mah turn!" Cartman said opening the bathroom door.  
"Ahh!"  
"Oh, like I'd wanna perv at you, Kahl. Now get your tiny Jew ass outta there, its mah turn!"

Kyle walked out making sure not to turn his back on Cartman and made his way up the stairs.  
Butters ran down as Kyle went up. "Hey, what's going on? I heard yelling."

"Never mind, Butters. Pfft nice PJs." Mocked Kenny pointing at Butters Hello Kitty pajamas.  
"Thanks, Kenny!"  
Kenny rolled his eyes.

"Man, this is taking a long time. Hey, Cartman, you better not get stuck in the bath!" Stan joked.  
Kenny laughed.  
Suddenly Shelly appeared at the top at the stairs. "WILL YOU TURDS SHUT UP? You've been screaming all night like a buncha kids!"  
The boys fell silent. Shelly nodded and charged back into her room.  
Then Cartman's voice came through the door. "Uh… guys? I'm stuck."

After that unpleasantness was over the rest of boys finished their baths and the six of them went to watch movies.  
They all sat slumped back in their sleeping bags watching the movies two straight protagonists make out passionately on their T.V screen.  
"That's pretty weird." Kyle said.  
Kenny was laughing his head off.  
Stan nodded. "Yeah but whaddya expect from those two?"  
"Yeah."

When the movie was over Cartman turned off the DVD player and turned on the lights. After a second Butters noticed he could only see Cartman, Tweek and Kenny.

"Stan? Kyle?"

Tweek pointed at Stan's sleeping bag which had sounds of kissing and slight murmurs of protest.

"Wait... wait... not here, Stan."  
"Quiet..."

Cartman kicked the bag forcefully in the place he sure Kyle was.

"OW!"  
"AHH!"  
"Stop making out you two!"

Stan and Kyle then sheepishly crawled out of the sleeping bag, Kyle rubbing his hurt ribs.  
"Do you want me to get you some ice?" Butters asked.  
Kyle stood up completely ignoring Butters. "That really hurt!"

"You don't want your ribs kicked, you better not make out with your pretty-boy Stan in front of me!"

"Seriously Cartman you've been going on about me and Kyle all night long and its starting to sound like you're jealous or something…"

Cartman went wide-eyed. "Me? Jealous? Of you two? Mha ha ha! As if! As if I'd be jealous you! I don't like Kyle! I HATE KYLE! AHHHH!"

Just after Cartman finished talking he ran upstairs screaming angrily.

The five remaining boys looked bewildered and Kyle had a look of fear and disgust on his face.

"Dude," Kenny said slowly, "I think Cartman LOVES Kyle."  
"You'd make such a good detective, Kenny." Kyle said flatly.  
"Did he just run into Shelly's room?"  
"I can hear screaming and crying and giggling." Tweek whispered.  
"Oh no, him and Shelly still aren't friends are they?"  
"I don't know… I think Cartman is plotting with her…"

Meanwhile in Shelly's room, Stan was right, Cartman and Shelly were plotting because they were still friends and had been for the last seven years.

"No, no… I'm not jealous… I can't like that Jew rat! I want him to die! GAWD DAMNNIT I HATE STAN! He thinks he can take Kahl away from me without consequences? Not that I want Kahl… I hate him…"

"Eric you seem to be in conflict."

"I don't understand… what I'm feeling… I want to kill Stan but NOT kill Kahl…"

"You're fifteen. Your hormones and emotions are taking over and confusing you. Plus you're a fucking lunatic."

"Mnahh. You're only saying that 'cuz I got rid of all your boyfriends."  
"I don't mind that. They were all douche-bag turds anyway."

"Shelly, back to me, remember the last time I was here and I gave you that voice recorder?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I have a plan. A plan to severely hurt both Stan AND Kyle emotionally. And revenge shall be mine!"

Back downstairs the rest of the boys were talking quietly amongst themselves.

"I think he wants to break us up." Said Kyle.  
"Well yeah… but we're not boyfriend-boyfriend are we?"  
"Dude, I think we are."  
"Oh cool."

"But ya know... what's the WORST Cartman could do to us?"  
"Dude, two words: Scott Tenorman."  
"Good point."

"Guys, when are you going to tell your parents about... you guys?" asked Kenny.  
"I don't know… I guess we have to before Cartman gets to them first."  
"My Dad is gonna freak out."  
"Your Dad? What about my MOM?"

The conversation was quickly cut short by the sound of Cartman aheming from behind them. The five boys shifted around to see their grinning fat "friend" holding a small machine and Stan's ugly, tall and very strong sister standing at the foot of the stairs.

"Sorry to break up this lovely banter, gentlemen but my acting skills have appeared to have faltered and some secrets of mine have been exposed. Tweek, Butters, you guys don't mind going into the kitchen while we chat do you?"

Following orders the two mild mannered blonde boys ran into the kitchen and hid under the table.

"What do you want, fatbutt?"  
"For starters, DON'T CALL ME FAT YOU HIPPIE THIEF!"  
Cartman squeezed his eyes shut and held the bridge of his nose.  
"I hate you so much, Stan. Anyway, do you guys know what this is?" he said referring to the voice recorder in his hands.

Kenny put his hand up. "A voice recorder. Cops use them."

"That's right, Kinny and I, like the police, have used this device to record some incriminating information."

"No, I used the recorder." Shelly added.

"Yes, Shelly did the actual recording but I was the one who got the information out of you during a game of… Truth or Dare."

"Oh… no… no…."  
"Holy shit."

Cartman grin widened as he pressed the play button and turned up the volume.

"' I do have feelings for Kyle! I-I-I "like like" him, okay?'"  
"'Dude?'"  
"'I love him! … My name is Stanley Marsh and I love Kyle Broflovski!'"

Kyle covered his face as their recorded voices played for them

Cartman rewinded the audio a bit and replayed the last bit over.  
"'I love Kyle Broflovski!'"

Stan and Kyle looked at the odious rotund monster standing before them with mouths slightly agape.  
"You're not… oh no you wouldn't!"  
"Oh, I would. You know I would. Do what I say or both your parents AND the entire school hears this recording."

Kenny pushed his friends out of the way and stood forward.  
"You'll never leave this house with that recording, fatboy. Its 3 against 1."  
"Nuh-uh. You forget that Shelly is on my side. So we're even odds."

Stan looked at his sister solemnly. "Why did you help him?"

"Stan, you know I love you but I also love Eric and he has power, he can get me money, dates… popularity… love."  
"That's right babe."  
"Shelly, he's using you! He's taking advantage of your feelings for him!"

"Yeah and once he's done with you he's gonna throw you away like a used condom and Stan and Kyle will be beat up at school, you fugly bitch!" Kenny said and before he could take a breath Cartman had pulled out a gun and shot him dead.

"Oh my God, you killed Kenny!"  
"You bastard!"  
"That shut him up for now."

Kyle looked at the voice recorder and heard in his mind the sounds of his parent's disappointment and the jeers of his classmates if the recording was played.  
"What do you want from me, Cartman? I'll do anything."  
"No, Ky, don't let him win!"

Butters and Tweek peeked their heads in from the other room.  
"Can we come in now?"  
"NO YOU CAN'T COME IN! I'M BUSY DESTROYING PEOPLE'S LIFES!"

"Shelly, can't you see he's evil? Evil can't love!"  
"Stop it, Stan! He's not evil!" she protested, crying.

"Shelly! Stan! Be quiet! Kahl, you don't want this recording to be public and I don't want Stan to have you. The solution is clear. You're mine, Kahl… all mine."

Stan quickly tackled Cartman onto the floor. "NEVER!"  
Stan pinned him down and spat in his evil spewing mouth

"I'd rather kill Kyle then let him be yours. Because we all know death is better than being owned by you!"

"He's right! I'd rather die!"

Kyle pulled Stan off Cartman and kicked the fat little bastard right in the balls.  
Butters and Tweek ran in and took turns punching Cartman in the gut.  
Stan stood up and put his arm around Kyle.

"And you know I think I learnt something today, I don't care if everybody finds out were gay together. I love Kyle and I don't think my Mom and Dad or anybody else's reaction could be worse than Cartman blackmailing us."

"Yeah, and my parents love me so why would they want us to be apart? I wish I realized that sooner."

Shelly looked down at the beaten teenager, picked up the recorder and gave it to Kyle.  
"He was using me. I couldn't see it for all these years. I do still love him but that's a problem that can be solved with much therapy."

And so the weeks passed, Stan and Kyle told their family and friends about their relationship and although there was some shock, there was never any doubt that they wouldn't always be together. This led to Butters and Tweek coming out too; nobody seemed to care or mind. Shelly turned out okay too; she went through her therapy and eventually got over Cartman. She later got married to a blind man named Charlie who lives in North Park.

And they all lived happily ever after. (If you exclude the occasionally killer robot or crazy cult.)

Eric Theodore Cartman looked down at the town of South Park from the little snowy hill, reflecting on recent events.  
"But where's mah happy ending?"  
"You always have me, Eric."  
"I know, Clyde Frog. I know."


End file.
